6 Badass Ways To Kill Yourself

Published 2024-10-1 by NightMox

Having suicidal ideation? Well, put down that suicide hotline that will just sell your data and start chugging those antidepressants that will probably make the suicidal ideation worse 'cause we're counting down 6 badass ways you can kill yourself right now.

6: By Cop

Fuck cops am I right? Well with this method of suicide you can ensure lifelong trauma for one of those pigs. Simply pull out a fake gun and point it at someone in front of a cop and wait for the lead to rip through your flesh. When that bastard later discovers you're an innocent person simply trying to kill themself, surely it will instill a trauma to keep that cop up at night filled with the guilt of killing an innocent civilian. But hell, half of 'em are sociopathic, remorseless, power-tripping cunts anyways so it's more of a gamble if this will happen.

5: By Fire

Suicide by fire is often considered the most painful way to commit suicide but it's fire, so it's also one of the most badass. Simply drench yourself in gasoline or some homemade napalm and light yourself on fire, preferably in a public area where all can see your blaze of badassery. Bonus points if you also publish a schizophrenic manifesto about cartoons beforehand; personally, mine would be about My Little Pony.

4: Jumping Off A Workplace Building

Hate your fucking job and tired of following the arbitrary rules of a capitalist economy? If your workplace has a tall enough building, just go to the roof and jump off. Surely, this will be giant "fuck you" you to both your employer and society. Chances are, knowing the company's the reason you killed yourself, your piece of shit boss will be traumatized and the story will get in the news, financially damaging the company for at least a day until investors buy in on the stock dip caused by your suicide later making them richer.

3: Letting Nature Take You Back

Feeling dreadful for the future of the planet because laws and psyops manufactured by right-wing lobbyists are destroying the environment for corporate and political gain? Well with this method of suicide you can do your part of delaying corpo-political-made armageddon just ever so slightly. Go out into a forest or jungle somewhere and just let nature take you. Maybe you use some other method to kill yourself and let your body decompose giving nutrition to the flora or maybe you let a predator kill you and become nutrition for them. Either way, you're giving back to the earth and at least your death fuels other life instead of just rotting in a casket or being burned probably further harming the environment in some way.

2: Scarlet Fireworks

Explosions are fucking cool. So why not kill yourself with one? Better yet, why not do it in the sky where everyone can see? To achieve this, strap a bunch of manually-detonated explosives on yourself and find a way to get in the air such as jumping out a plane or off a skyscraper so you can detonate them in the air. This explosion will surely create a scarlet spectacle for all that witness it and shower them with your blood poetically symbolising society's blood on their hands or something.

1: Just Shoot Yourself

Quick, easy, probably painless. Just take a fucking gun and blow your fucking brains out. This simple method is also great as a final "fuck you". Lost a court case because of unjust laws that shouldn't exist? Protest by shooting yourself in front of the courthouse. Tired of being treated like subhuman trash at school? Well, instead of shooting the place up and becoming a laughing stock online, just shoot yourself in front of everyone and psychologically damage everyone and ruin the school's reputation without actually hurting them. Now instead of being remembered as a monster, you'll be revered as a victim.